9.07.2007

Emotional Roller Coaster

Well, I haven't blogged in a while because I have been on an emotional roller coaster and didn't have much to say. After 12 years of being married, Jason and I finally got pregnant. We were so excited because we'd been praying for so long for it. The month before Jason and I were about to start fertility drugs I got pregnant. It was quite a miracle. However, after going to the doctor and having an ultrasound we found out that the getsational sac was empty. Somewhere along the way, the cells quit splitting and growing. Last weekend I miscarried which has sent me on a ride I had always feared. We are sad, but we see there is hope. The fact that I even got pregnant was a miracle and my doctor believes the chances are high that it will happen again.

In all of this, there are two things that I'm really glad about. One is that I'm coming out of this and so far, I haven't been mad at God. That was my biggest fear. I tried to be really honest with God about where I am and not ignore Him. Second is the fact that I've not been bitter at others who are pregnant or have children of their own. Before I ever got pregnant, I made a concsious descision to celebrate new life even if I was never to have children of my own. This decision was tested when I was at school day after I had the ultrasound and a teacher brought her newborn baby into the room where I was. Immediately, I felt sadness, but I decided in that moment to rejoice for that life that God gives.

9 comments:

mimi said...

Life is all about deciding at every moment. Each time, the Holy Spirit in us is there to act in our behalf.

I am very proud of you and Jason through this.

Clay said...

Rachel,
Kelley and I will be praying for you and Jason. You guys are so great! Peace, my friend.

Robert Conn said...

I'm proud to call you guys friends!

Todd Wright said...

Rachel, that is one of the wisest (and toughest) decisions a person can make. I hope you know how proud we are of you.

daddybert said...

I am thankful to have such thoughtful children. You truly honor God with your decision. In these difficult valleys we grow. Praying for you both. Much love!!

Jessica said...

can i just say that every single day that i get to share life with you is a day that i am thankful for. you inspire me so much rachel.

thank you for sharing this part of your life & heart.


a friend once showed this to me..
"Faith is thanking God when i am left with shattered plans and dreams, believing that He has better plans."

i love you rachel.

Anonymous said...

All I can really say babe...is that sucks so bad. I love you guys and my heart was sad for you both. You need no advice from me. You are both so wonderful...love you!

Allison Boyd said...

awww Mrs. Fullen i am so sorry:( maybe that just wasn't god's plan for you right now. i will keep you and Mr. Fullen in my prayers!

Ana Schaetzle said...

Hey Rachel, I haven't seen your blog for a while so I'm reading your testmony just now. I'm glad you allowed God to guide you through this hard time and that you chose to honor Him. I know it's not easy and I know it's very painful! I love your faithfulness to the Lord!! He will honor you even more! Love you!